miscarriage and confusion - my story
Going through an early miscarriage is an incredibly confusing and isolating experience. Well, any miscarriage can be confusing and isolating, but today I’m writing about the rollercoaster of early miscarriage.
My first miscarriage was in August of 2016. We weren’t “trying” and my husband was out of town on a business trip. That week I was feeling very strange. All I wanted was pizza and acai bowls. Not just any pizza, a very specific pizza with mushrooms and balsamic glaze. I joked with him on the phone that I was having super specific cravings and that I was probably pregnant. I took a test not long after and saw a second pink line very very faint. I couldn’t believe it! I had never seen one before so I had thoughts like “it’s probably too light to actually be positive.” So I threw it away and told myself I’d test when my husband was home from his business trip. Well the day he got home I “started my period” so I figured it wasn’t positive. I didn’t tell anyone, not even my husband until my last day of bleeding when I saw something unusual. In a panic I called my cousin (she is basically a fertility specialist) and she said, “it’s just too hard to say one way or the other.” Talk about CONFUSING! Sometimes I still question whether I saw two pink lines or if I just had a really weird period. Now, after experiencing 3 miscarriages since, I know it was a loss. I knew it then and I know it now. I questioned it for the longest time and was so alone in my grief and the “what ifs.”
Fast forward to October 2019 when I got my next positive test. Again, super faint but it was there but this time I showed my husband and sent a picture to my sister and best friend who both saw it too. My husband and I sat on the bed looking at this test saying, “are we sure this is positive?” “Maybe it’s a false positive.” “We’ll take another one in a few days.” Well we didn’t make it to “a few days later” because I started bleeding. Most people wouldn’t consider this a loss, most doctors wouldn’t count it as a pregnancy, but the odds of getting a false positive are slim to none.
Fast forward again to November 2019 (that very next cycle) and I got a solid positive just days before Thanksgiving. This sweet pregnancy made it to almost 7 weeks and ended shortly before Christmas.
Fast forward AGAIN to August 2020 and I found out I was pregnant while staying with my family in California and my husband was home in Colorado. I tested early because I had a good feeling and BOOM super dark positive 3-4 days early. I thought to myself “this is it!!! I finally got a sticky one” I ran into my mom’s bathroom and swung the shower door open. Needless to say she was terrified because no one expects an intrusion during a shower. Tears streaming down my face I said “DO YOU SEE IT?” I collapsed into her arms with a joyful sobbing I’ve never experienced before. After the loss in December I was sure this was it. I had been dieting, cleansing and on some new supplements to support my body. Needless to say my hopes were super high and I prayed and prayed that I would receive the next pregnancy with a joyful heart. This joy was short lived when I started bleeding just days later. I had to tell my husband I was pregnant and miscarrying over the phone in the same week. It was terrible. My family didn’t really know what to say or do, but I truly appreciated their presence and the snuggles with my niece.
Sadly these experiences are all too common. I’ve had women reach out with their secret “maybe” pregnancy very confused and not sure how to feel. I’ve been there and this is what I want to tell you: your feeling of loss is the only confirmation you need. It’s hard to describe the confusion that ensues in the heart of a woman during the days of analyzing and overanalyzing her symptoms, getting a positive test and then bleeding all in a matter of days. I can’t speak for all, but in my experience, I went from feeling an intense amount of joy to an immense amount of fear 100 times a day during my pregnancies until those emotions succumbed to an insurmountable amount of grief and confusion. The days just continue. There’s no funeral. Most people do not grieve with you, most people do not know what happened and if they know, they certainly stop asking after about a month. Each month that passes you wonder if you’d be showing yet or maybe you have to return those maternity jeans you purchased because they were on sale and you were just so excited. Everyone just moves on and you begin to move forward with a lifeless womb and the “what ifs” for as long as you live.
If you want to share your story, please email me and I will pray for you. My encouragement for you is to ask yourself who you are listening to? Who’s thoughts and opinions bother you the most? Where are your roots planted? The truth is, people don’t know what to say or how to act, but they do their absolute best. The only way I’ve been able to move forward with compassion and grace is by being rooted in my faith and having an intimate relationship with God. Make time to pray, to read, to listen to podcasts/music, to meditate or do whatever makes you feel connected to your spiritual self. This is so important for your emotional and spiritual health moving forward and allowing room in your heart to forgive those who say things that might hurt you. More to come on this topic, but just know that you are not alone.
